The Madness Within
by S-Blood-M-Traitor-O
Summary: The night after Lily and James' death, Remus is struggling not to transform, to stay human long enough to give his friends some semblance of human grief...*warning Angsty*
1. Chapter 1

The cold wind howled outside the small, decrepit house. It was the night after Halloween, and dark clouds were beginning to roll in over the blindly full moon. The little house sat on a hill, it's shutters banging in the wind, its rotting front steps covered in moss. The air around it crackled with magic, as autumn leaves hit the magical barriers surrounding it.

This house did not want to be disturbed.

Rain began to come down softly at first, then hard, lashing the window panes. An unearthly sound filled the night from inside the tiny cottage, an animal sound, one of misery.

Remus Lupin slammed his hands into the already damaged walls of the house, and threw back his head. Claws were already beginning to protrude from his human hands, and he could feel his teeth grinding as they lengthened as the full moon seeped into his blood.

"NO." He bellowed, and he threw himself into the book case.

Lily and James. Dead. His best friends. And Sirius. How could he? He betrayed his best friends. BETRAYED THEM TO THE DARK LORD AND THEY WERE DEAD. Hot molten fury bubbled within him, and he clenched his hands, causing blood to flow from the cuts made by his claws. Yesterday it had been just another day, and now….nothing. There was nothing left. His friends were gone. Which meant he might as well be too.

James had protected him, helped him, Lily too. Lily was gone too…. Tears began to flow down his cheeks, and he gritted his teeth, a racking sob breaking out of his chest. He slid to the floor in front of the bookcase, sobbing into his hands.

Remus' could feel his mind warping with the strength of his sadness, his rage, and the strain of the wolf fighting to get out. A growl loosed from his throat, and with superhuman strength, he catapulted to the opposite wall, landing halfway up it, his hands digging into the wallpaper. He was losing the battle. The ancient scar on his shoulder where Greyback had bitten him so many years ago was pulsing purple, his vision was narrowing.

Shaking his head to clear his eyes, Remus cried,

"LET ME GRIEVE FOR GOD'S SAKE." Not tonight. He refused to lose tonight. His whole life he had fought the wolf inside, taken Wolfsbane potion to ease the pain of transformation. But tonight he had no Wolfsbane, and no friends to help him. And tonight, he refused to transform. For once in his miserable life he had to have human feelings when they counted. Nothing was going to prevent him from mourning Lily and James. They deserved respect. Not a vicious dog.

But it was difficult. He fell to the floor, feeling his bones expanding. The pain was intense, but he fought to keep his own mind.

_Think of them. _He thought. _Think of something human. _He closed his eyes and lay back against the threadbare sofa.

"_It's not that big of a deal, mate." Said Sirius as they walked along the shore of the lake, the four of them. "I mean…yeah being a werewolf is a bit scary, but not for us, more for you I would think."_

_Remus hung his head. "I dunno. It's not so bad. It could be worse."_

"_Yeah, you could look like Peter!"said Sirius, nudging Wormtail. _

"_Shut up, Padfoot!" Peter said, pulling away from Sirius. "I'd rather have Dragon Pox than have your face!"_

"_Shut up!"_

"_Make me!"_

"_Guys, stop it."_

"_Fine, James." _

"_Whatever happens, Remus, we'll probably always be friends. We are the most handsome people ever to walk the noble hallways of Hogwarts." Said James, rumpling up his black hair, and looking haughty. _

"_Except for Wormy!" added Sirius, nudging Peter again, who glared at Sirius. _

"_Agreed, except for Wormy!" _

* * *

><p>Remus opened his eyes, and convulsed in agony. It was getting harder to stay human. His vision was twisting so all he could see was red, and then it would fade in again. His brain felt explosive, like it didn't belong in his body.<p>

Suddenly, in a flash of red, he lunged, and ripped his right arm open with his fingernails. He cried out in pain and sadness because he couldn't control it. Blood trickled down his arm and into his lap. He weakly removed his shirt to staunch the bleeding. It was amazing how deep human nails could go. Breathing heavily, he leaned back once more, and struggled to stay himself.

* * *

><p>"<em>Well then it's simple." Said Sirius, running his fingers through his black hair. "We can go with you to transform."<em>

"_No." said Remus shaking his head frantically. "Absolutely not. It's too dangerous. You'd be killed." _

_Sirius seemed not to have an answer to this, but he sat in silence, thinking hard. _

"_As humans, maybe" said James, his eyes lighting up, a maniac gleam coming to his green irises. "But what about animals? Do you attack animals when you transform?"_

"_I don't see what this has to do with anything." Said Remus, looking dismally at his three friends. "No, I guess not. It's usually just…"_

"_People." Finished Sirius. Remus hung his head. _

"_Then we'll be fine!" said James, jumping to his feet. He was pacing now, walking back and forth, rubbing his hands together. _

"_What are you on about?" demanded Remus. "You can't send your owl or something. I don't—"_

"_Yes" said Sirius, also getting up. "It'd take a while…but I think we should give it a shot."_

"_Give what a shot?" asked Remus, getting to his feet. "I don't know if any of you have realized, but this is dangerous on any level! You probably shouldn't even be my friends! I could kill any one of you at any time!"_

"_We'll become Animagi." Said James. Remus' eyes widened. _

"_That's crazy" he said slowly. "You can't. It would take years, and it's illegal unless you're of age."_

_Sirius and James looked at each other. "We could do it." They said together. "Come on, Remus. We could make it work. We're both dashing intelligent young lads." Said Sirius. _

"_Yeah, our brains are bigger than most things on our bodies!" said James with a laugh. _

"_Most things." Repeated Sirius. Peter laughed. _

"_You guys, I don't think it's a good idea." Said Remus. "You laugh like it's a big joke, but it's not. Animagi are rare mainly because it's so difficult to become one. You're not even fifteen yet. Full grown wizards have a hard time with this. You do get that, right?"_

"_Remus, if we didn't get it, we wouldn't try it." Said James firmly. His eyes were bright like they always got when he was onto something big. "And you can help us! You know more about the science of it than any of us."_

"_That's true" said Peter. "You've got the gist of transforming down."_

"_Not the same thing in principle of course." Said Sirius. "But in theory…"_

_Remus smiled. _

"_What do you know about theory?"_

"_Well it's uhm….it's that thing where…"_

_Remus sighed, and pushed his dirty blonde hair out of his eyes, closing the book that he was looking at. "All right. I will help you. I don't know why this is so important to you" He said, his eyes narrowing. "But you have to understand that becoming an Animagus is a difficult and study-heavy process. We're going to need a lot of time outside of classes to work on it. We're also going to have to be very careful. Animal transformations are extremely tricky. I recommend we don't try transforming until we're absolutely sure. And we'll need books. Lots of them. Probably from the Restricted Section of the library. _

"_Done" said Sirus with a grin. "We can sneak in there any time."_

"_It's going to be a lot of sneaking around…" said Remus nervously. "Maybe we should think up a system. Some way of warning each other when teachers or Filch is coming. Remember, it won't be just the library. We're going to need a large unused classroom to practice in for large amounts of time, and I don't really see Professor McGonagall letting us use one if we tell her the real reason. Which means it'll have to be at night."_

"_I love how Remus is mapping this out for us" said James with a smile. "But yeah, I think we will need a system of some kind. We could get caught, and I could get thrown off the Quidditch team." He frowned. _

"_James…that's it!" said Sirius excitedly. _

"_No, I don't want to be thrown off the Quidditch team, mate." _

"_No, not the Quidditch team! Mapping! We should make a map of Hogwarts!"_

"_That's impossible." Said Remus immediately. "There are too many secrets, too many rooms. We'd never be able to account for them all."_

"_So pessimistic, Remus." Said James, grinning at Sirius. "We have been everywhere in this castle. And the places we haven't been, we can write down as we go! And weren't you bragging the other day, Remus, about how you could perform a locator spell?"_

_Remus shrugged. _

"_It could show everyone in this castle." Said James. "That way, if we were worried about getting caught, we could just look and see who was on our tail."_

"_And we could use your cloak!" said Sirius. "For emergencies."_

_Remus was looking puzzled, but inside he was glowing. They were going to do this for him. They were actually going to try and make this work. He had friends…_

"_Let's start with the front cover." Said Sirius, rummaging inside his bag for some parchment. "And of course, we'll have to enchant it so that others can't read it."_

"_Good idea." Agreed Remus. _

_Sirius had begun writing on the piece of parchment. _

"_Let's see…it needs a name." _

"_Huh?" asked Remus._

"_Well if it did fall into the wrong hands, we don't really want it to read 'Hello, We're a group of Underage Wizards Trying to Turn Ourselves Into Animals So We can Run Around With a Werewolf.'" Said James rolling his eyes. "Honestly, Remus, you're supposed to be smart."_

_Remus frowned. _

"_Ok, so…any ideas?" asked Sirius, looking to his three friends. _

"_The Map of Mystery!" said James. _

"_Boring," said Sirius. _

"_How about 'The Marauder's Map' said Peter."_

_Sirius looked amazed. _

"_That's bloody brilliant, Peter. Who knew?"_

"_All right, so 'The Maruader's Map'" said Remus. "Now what?"_

"_Now, I start drawing." Said Sirius, running his fingers through his hair again. "For a long time." _

"_No, I mean, when do we start?" he asked eagerly. The three of them looked at him. _

"_Anytime." Said James. "I think we should wait for Sirius to finish at least some of the map, and then we'll do it as soon as we find out where we're practicing." _

"_Sounds good." Said Sirius. _

"_I'm starving" said Peter, getting up from the step he was sitting on. "Let's get dinner."_

"_Yeah, ok." Said Sirius, and he and Peter walked down the stairs towards the Great Hall._

"_Are you coming, Remus?" asked James. Remus was still sitting on the steps, his knees drawn up to his chest. _

"_Why are you doing this for me?" he asked quietly. "You know how dangerous this is, James. Maybe Sirius doesn't, but I know you do. You've seen me come back. You know what I'm capable of."_

_James looked thoughtful, but still smiled."_

"_You're only dangerous when the moon comes out. And I think we're all kind of sick of seeing you suffer so much, Moony."_

_Remus frowned "Moony?" _

_James laughed. "I like it. Let's eat."_


	2. Chapter 2

Remus opened his eyes with a jolt. Hs vision was worsening. Red streaks flashed across his eyes, and he was beginning to only see the brightest colors. He looked out of the window and saw the moon, cruelly staring through his curtains. Cold sweat flooded out of his pores, and his teeth chattered, His entire body was shaking violently. He tried to get up and gasped. Blood was running down his arm when he had slashed himself.

The sight of the blood made him panic. He stumbled through to the tiny kitchen and opened a drawer, holding his lit wand in trembling fingers. He rummaged clumsily for a bandage. Normally, he would have waited to fix his wounds until after the transformation, but not tonight. He was still determined not to transform. The rain and wind whipped the windows violently.

Teeth chattering, Remus wound the bandage around his arm, staunching the blood. The pain in his body was intensifying. His mind was his own still, but he could feel his muscles tensing.

His hands were now covered in warm red blood. It was still gushing…he had always had thin veins. It was embarrassing. Sirius and James had always told him not to be ashamed of who he was…of what he was…they wouldn't approve of him fighting it like this, pretending to be normal…

James and Sirius would have encouraged the transformation because it meant they could spend time together. They could keep him safe. They could bandage him up when morning came.

But James was dead, and Sirius was a murderer. And Remus…he was sitting in a dark, filthy kitchen, crying like a child.

He slid to the floor with a groan, his breathing coming now in short gasps. He still could not wrap his mind around the fact that they were dead. And what of their baby? Their child…the boy who lived.

Suddenly, Remus' back snapped back. With a scream of agony, he curled up, and fell completely to the floor. He could feel his bones expanding, poking, ripping his skin. He could feel the blood beginning to flow down his ribs where they were beginning to poke through. If he didn't transform he could die. He had to give in.

But, God he didn't want to….

His breathing shallow, Remus lay, in fetal position, his wand laying several feet away, afraid to move. The pain…MY GOD THE PAIN! And with an audible tear, one of his ribs poked through his flesh.

And he blacked out.

"_How's the map coming, Sirius?" asked James one morning in the common room. Sirius grinned, and looked around nervously. _

"_It's almost done." He whispered. "All we need is a few more rooms and a locator charm."_

"_Moony's got this." Sad James. "Which reminds me…"_

"_What?" asked Remus, flipping through his Charms book. _

"_Well," said James, rubbing his chin. "I was thinking we should have nicknames, or code names or something. I mean, yeah, we could put nothing on it, but code names are cool."_

"_What did you have in mind?" asked Sirius. _

"_Well that's the thing, I don't really know yet." Said James. "Remus already has his: Moony. For obvious reasons."_

"_I COULD BE SERIOUSLY SIRIUS!"_

"_Ok, Sirius, you know that has your real name in it right?"_

"_Oh yeah…"_

"_Ok…" said James, thinking. "I've been giving this whole Animgus thing some more thought. And I think I want to be a stag."_

"_Like a deer?" asked Peter. _

"_No, like a big tough, gorgeous male deer." Said James, turning pink. "I would have horns. That would be something. I could hold Remus off if things got too serious."_

"_Yeah I was actually thinking about that too." Said Sirius. "I think I'm going to be a dog. They're lovable."_

"_Unlike you." Said James with a laugh. "We need some small animal in our party as well though. One of us has to prod the knot on the Whomping Willow so we can get into the Shrieking Shack." _

_They all looked at Peter. _

"_What?" he whined, looking worried. "I have to be something little and lame?"_

"_Uhm…you are small and lame, Peter." Said Sirius, smirking. "And no. You have to be the most useful of any of us, because you can get places we can't."_

_Peter frowned. "Like what?"_

"_A bird?" suggested Remus. _

_Sirius burst out laughing. _

"_Like he could get off the ground!"_

"_Sirius, I'm going to kill you." muttered Peter, turning pink. _

"_Yeah, lay off, Padfoot." Said James. _

"_What?" asked Sirius. "Padfoot?" _

"_Yeah 'cuz you're so…padfooted? As a dog?"_

"_That's brilliant." Said Sirius. "I'm good with Padfoot. Nice one, Jamsie."_

"_Ok…we're still deciding on my animal right?" asked Peter, still looking put out. "How about a rat? I can climb, run fast, and there are plenty of rats so it's not like I'd be noticed. Unlike a stag." He added with a growl. James just shrugged. _

"_If a rat's good for you, a rat's good for me too." He said. "Hehe you could be called 'Wormtail.'" Peter scowled. _

"_Fine, then" said Remus. "It's settled. James is the stag, Sirius is the dog, and Peter is the rat." He took out his quill, and took the parchment from Sirius. _

"_This is brilliant, mate." He said, looking at the intricate drawings of Hogwarts and all of its rooms. Every detail was perfect. Sirius had clearly put a lot of time into making the map. Line that marked every corridor spiraled elegantly across the parchment ending in finely drawn blocks that were classrooms. Hundreds of tiny staircases crawled around the entire thing, and the names…so many names. _

_Remus shut the map, cleared his throat, and said, _

"_Locomotor Locatio" And with those words, the tiny names began to move in every direction, tiny dots walking all over the castle. There in the dormitories was Frank Longbottom pacing. Dumbledore was sitting in his study. Lily Evans sat under the willow tree by the lake. Students were walking up the Grand Staircase. _

"_It's done." Said James with a smile. _

"_Not quite." Said Remus, flourishing his quill. _

_Dipping it in a pot of black ink, he wrote,_

'_Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and…'_

"_What's your code name, James?" asked Remus. James laughed and put his hands on his head like antlers._

"_Prongs!" _

"_Fine." And he finished writing the names. They looked bold, heroic even._

'_Are proud to present…the Marauders' Map'_

"_Excellent!" said James. "This is really going to work!"_

"_Hopefully." Aid Remus thoughtfully. "But what if someone picks it up? Someone who we don't want to read it?"_

"_Then we'll put a spell on it to clear. We'll just say 'Mischief Managed' and it'll wipe clean." Said Sirius. "Erm…you know how to do that, right, Moony?"_

_Remus smiled. "As a matter of fact, I do." And he tapped his wand once more to the paper which rippled and glowed beneath the tip. _

"_That should do it." He said, still frowning. "I'm just sort of paranoid about someone like Snape finding it." _

_A devilish light appeared in Sirius' eyes. _

"_Oho." He said. "I'll make sure that if Snivellus finds this, the map will know exactly what to say." And he held out his hand for the map…_

Those years had passed so swiftly. The fun and adventure they had had together was all that had really sustained Remus while at school. He had watched them transform with him. He learned not to be afraid of hurting anyone. His cuts grew less severe. Everything was working well for once in his life.

And then Hogwarts was over.

And even with tops grades in all of his N.E.W.T's, Remus couldn't get a position anywhere because of what he was. He had been denied job after job, and still James and Sirius and Peter had kept contact. They had taken him in when he had nowhere to go. But things progressed downward. The cuts grew worse with no one to transform with him. He had watched James get married to Lily Evans. Learned to accept the fact that success was something he would never experience.

But they had still been there.

They had still existed.

And now, Remus Lupin lay on the floor, convulsing, feeling the dread of the transformation looming over him. He couldn't hold off any more. There was too much sadness. Too much dread. Lily….James….

Water was beginning to pour in through the windows where the pathetic, ripped curtains hung. The rain was cold, and seeping onto the floor, touching the blood that had pooled where Remus lay.

His friends were gone. Dead. Traitors. Murdered. Gone.

And with that final thought, the last Marauder closed his eyes, and shed all aspects of human thought, plunging almost gratefully into the mind that was the wolf, and could feel no such emotional pain.


End file.
